when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
