I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
