oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
