Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
