I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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