I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
