They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
