I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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