Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
