I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
