I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
