Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
