Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
