I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
