i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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