life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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