i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
