yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
