So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
