Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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