Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
