I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
