she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
