the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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