Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
