Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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