i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
