we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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