My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
