Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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