Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
