I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
