Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
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