I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
