you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Randomize
