its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
