Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
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