I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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