just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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