birth control should be required to get into college
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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