just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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