Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
