I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
