i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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