There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
