god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
