The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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