i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
