New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
