Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
