I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
