the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
