Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
