My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
