On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I'm too high and old for this...
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
