4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
and you said cock pushups were impossible
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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