Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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