His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
