Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
