I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Randomize
