Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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