I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
