I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
