Kiss
Puke
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
