her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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