2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
